Taking a break

Hello everyone. As usual not much is happening in my life, have made some new friends, some of whom would make ideal partners in life. Sadly though, through life's irony, they seem to live overseas. Guess that is life.

I am taking a break from "Who am I? Why was I born?". I am finding it significantly harder to write my life in words. Not because of having to write in chronological order although it makes it difficult. Maybe in the future I may continue who knows.

Although I have faced my demons in life, some of which I can never ever make up for, I have also found they will follow me for the rest of my life. I had done something totally disgusting in my early life that it has been a constant torture to me and that will remain until the day I die. It has also followed me and been used against me a many times since. I can change my future but how can I change the past? The answer is simple, I can not change the past but with the past rearing its ugly head up how can I change my future. That is the answer I need to find.

In the 90's I thought I could do good in my life, pay some sort of penance for a past gross wrong I did to another and help people in ways I never thought I could, which I found later, also helped me at the same time. It gave my life purpose and a strived to be the best I could be. As a result I literally help 100's of people of all ages, face their injuries and ailments with a lot of success and praise from others for my ability to do so. It was that purpose and drive that gave me the ability to recognise and save two young lives which could of been lost. Even so, with that success and praise it also gave me an arrogance in those abilities, which often leads to blindness to any dangers, which I was to find out and it has totally devastated and change my life to follow.

It is said:

"Suicide is a long term solution to a short term problem"

Having made some significant changes in my life, coming out in 2001 was the first, maybe I can't change the future and if that is so, I can either end my life or wait for death to take me. As much as I try to face an optimistic view in life its the pessimistically negative outcomes to my life that takes control and seem to be never ending.

Anyway this is the end of my deep thinking session and I hope it makes sense. Take care and see ya all in the future. *HUGS*