It was 1972 and life was much the same, tormented at school, abused at home. A normal day at school, being bullied during lunch at school, someone came from no-where, scare them away and as I lay on the ground he offered me his hand and helped me to my feet. He and I were to become good friends, not sure it was a good match or not, I was the bullied and he was rebel. A year older than me we spend a lot of time together, weekends and at school. His family lived near the local creek and one day when his parents were out somewhere was the day I first faced something that could of been much worse. I do not remember it as in fear but as more a brush with real harm, maybe death. He had gotten his fathers rifle out of the cupboard where it was stored. It was a 22 calibre rifle and as he pointed it at me and pulled the trigger there was a loud bang. I do not believe he knew it was loaded but I felt it pass the side of my head where it imbedded into the wall behind me. Although we both laughed it off, it could of been more serious. As with now like then I have no fear of what could of happened it just one of those memories that never leave you. He and I were only friends for less than a year, which ended basically with something we both did, which lead to one day he not coming to school and when I went to his house found they had moved. I never saw him again and often wondered what ever happened to him. What we did still after so many years still makes me feel ashamed, although at the time it was something that just happened. I am just as responsible for what happened although he made the first move into breaking into Newton Primary School. It was weekend at the time, we were playing in the playground there where he picked up a rock, throwing it at a window. After it broke we climbed in, where we totally trashed the school, moving from room to room systematically breaking things, creating a massive mess, breaking more windows. It was Sunday night and I guess the immense guilt over what we did finally hit. I believe coming out telling my mother was the right thing to do, I did at the time however had massive guilt I dobbed in my friend, he protected me from the bullying and I betrayed him. But I could not live with what I did and as much as I hated the school, the teachers and students there what I participated in was wrong and given the time again I would of still done the same thing.
The Monday came and my mother brought me to the school where we saw the Principle. I do not remember much of what happened on that Monday. My friend was called into the office with the police attending. As he and I sat in the waiting room I said I was sorry to him but the consequences did not seem to bother him. Maybe it was his rebel persona not sure but he did not seem to be worried about it at all. After it was all done I was sent to class like nothing had happened but what I participated in was to haunt me for a very long time. The bullying went back to the way it was and even more so it was coming from the teachers as well. Anyway the I do not remember being suspended for any days but I was to face a juvenile court. At home though the consequences were worse than ever, my mother shielded me from most of it but it was the worst time of arguing between my parents. As for my friend, saw him on the Monday, by the end of the week his house went vacant and never saw him again. What consequences he faced I was never to find out.
Early 1974 a new family moved across the road and our families soon became friends. Their oldest son, David who was 12 years old and we soon became close friends, I can not be 100% sure if this was a boyfriend, but I believe we were just drawn together because of commonality in our home lives. Like me he was physically and mentally abuse at home by his father, sometimes locked in his room for months at a time. Once forced to walk home from the Adelaide hills after accidentally locking the car keys in the boot. Although I never faced what he did, I had some protection from my mother, his mother though wasn't really strong enough and mentally able to do the same. David and my connection lead to a sexual relationship that lasted until I was about 12. Think we both needed to feel loved and a males love was something we never got from our fathers and instead we got that from each other. Not sure this is psychologically based or whether its a belief I have that seems to make sense to me. But I do know it was something I continued to crave after David when we stopped the closeness we had together.
About June 1974 I was to change schools which was a positive change in my life. This was after the incident with the broken glass mentioned in last entry. After the first semester I was moved to Thorndon Park Primary. To change schools though I had join a special class for children having learning problems which I was in for one semester. After that I went down a level and joined a normal class. So basically although a grade 6 I was placed in a grade 5 class. Although I made some new friends there I had a feeling of being an outsider, guess coming to a new school where friendships of people growing up together are already developed is always hard. During this time I was to see a child psychologist in the city because of my difficulties in making friends and also other issues as well.
A feeling that I felt from very young and continued mostly throughout my life was being "outside the circle" and no matter how much you try that circle seems impenetrable.
It's like a Hydrogen atom, a single negatively-charged electron circling a single positively-charged nucleus. The negatively-charged person orbits and remains the same distance from the positively-charged group of people. Can also think of this group also as a community, maybe something I can try and explain in later addition.
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